The seasons of life
The lessons of life
I believe and have always believed that life get’s to be good, great in fact.
Yet at times, life needs to share a few things with you first so that it can be.
Relationships have been my biggest lesson in life (romantic relationships)
Not sure why I was the chosen one to learn it to the depths, but I was.
I’ve taken it all on and I could write a whole book just on relationships alone.
We are not taught how to be in relationship.
What to look for, what to accept, what not to accept.
For many we fall into default relationships because we feel we need to be in one to feel some what successful and well yes, less alone.
We learn from witnessing as well as figuring it out as we go through life.
Some learn quickly, others (like me) not so quickly.
I held so much shame around relationships.
From what I thought I should know about them,
To what others told me I was like in relationships
(both being in it with me & looking from the outside)
To not feeling good enough – that I lacked something in me to be loved.
Yet relationships is something I’ve always really valued.
To be in partnership with another,
To share the weight of the world,
To bring the best forward in each other.
My marriage taught me al ot and made many things very clear to me.
It took a lot to get back up from that for many reasons.
Then out of nowhere I met a guy when we were both in a challenging time of life.
At the start it was company, it was comfort, it was conversations with another.
The only ones who knew were me, him and each of our, closest friend.
What I noticed was we both (individually) began to grow, heal.
From a lot of alcohol to less. Which meant more time sober together.
We (individually) created plans, goals and things were being created.
Business was the main growth in both of us.
Without him knowing, he got me through some of the hardest times.
He was a great hands on Dad, a hard worker, a family man, a community man, a hunter-gatherer, gentle.
Frustrating at times haha but no ones perfect (including me)
He had his guard up, and so did I, but slowly I saw his heart.
We spoke about the idea of more together, about our kids, our families.
We could have filled a van – which made me so happy to think about.
I choose him, but in the end, he didn’t choose me – and that’s ok.
I turned and walked the other way and gave space for him to find who he was looking for – which he did.
All the feels were felt, acknowledged, accepted and I left not feeling drained, or depleted, or like I had to pick myself up again. I left with only good thoughts of him.
My health stayed.
Creativity was alive in me still, I was open to all that was coming through.
I felt like a woman for the first time in my life.
And then out of nowhere again…I lost it all.
My choosing was off. New lessons, hard ones.
And my body expressed it all in every possible way it could.
Gaunt looking, loss of colour in my skin tone, hair no longer soft,
All the nutrients sucked out of me.
Clarity on goals and plans blurred.
Confession, questioning, lack of focus.
It was all there, screaming at me.
As my body screamed at me, I myself got louder – you may have noticed it.
What may have looked like confidence, trying new things, having fun, performing you could say, doing all I could to hold myself together again, scared of breaking, falling down.
What may have looked like confidence, trying new things, having fun, performing you could say, doing all I could to hold myself together again, scared of breaking, falling down.
Which I did in the end – It had to.
When things aren’t good – We either go dead silent and don’t mutter a word, or we perform.
I thought I was a strong woman who noticed things well, yet I wasn’t – in that moment.
Now in a space of new learnings.
A space where shame no longer exists.
The first time, in my life, of being completely on my own and for good reason.
Not to hide, not to push away, not because I’ve given up,
But because it’s what I needed to clear my rivers, to know me and my values,
To feel the love I’ve held for others for myself.
Filled with nutrients again, creativity alive and kicking, a little more cuddlier than before.
And when the time comes again, I can give & receive from a place of my deepest truth.
Good fruit leave you with all your nutrients.
Bad fruit suck you dry.
But it’s never about what they did or didn’t do to you,
It’s only ever about what you allowed and where you didn’t value yourself enough.